What Healthy Attachment Actually Looks Like
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“Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition." ~ Alain de Botton
EVERY couple fights, right?
When you've been together for a long time, you get into a way of being together that feels... 'normal'. You both love and appreciate each other in some ways, and in other ways, you might drive each other a little crazy. You know how you tend to react in certain moments. You know how your partner does, too. And I'm betting there are times where you wonder, isn't that just... normal? You have your things, they have their things. No relationship is 'perfect', right?
And the answer is yes. Yes, it's normal to have conflict. It's normal to get on each other's nerves sometimes. It's normal that you both have your knee-jerk ways of responding to things. It's normal that on your worst days, you both show up like giant a-holes. So yea, it's even normal to hurt each other every so often.
The last few times you heard from me, we talked a bit about what it looks like when one partner is somewhat love dependent vs. what it might look like when one partner is more love avoidant... two opposite sides of the same anxious coin that result in behaviors meant to protect connection, but that actually have the opposite effect. (Definitely take a look at those if you're wondering where you land.)
Today, I want to shine some light on what healthy relating looks like and a few ways you can help shift your relationship in that direction.
Healthy attachment in relationships doesn’t erase the reality that you and your partner will clash. It just means you learn to notice what's happening inside of you before you automatically react to it.
And then, you discern what the wise next move might be.
Do you approach your partner to share it? Or is this something worth processing and working through on your own?
If you choose to share it:
Do you do so from a place of vulnerability? Are you able to trust that your partner is on your side? Can you make a clear request to simply be heard, to be held, or to problem-solve together, depending on what you need?
Or do you launch into some version of blaming, shaming, or making them wrong?
Does your partner help you feel heard and deeply met when you share?
Or do you end up wishing you hadn't?
If you choose to process it on your own:
Are you truly pausing to be with what's arising in you to care for yourself, to learn about yourself, to stretch and to grow in your capacity to manage discomfort?
Or are you leaving your partner out there alone with it, shoving your feelings down, avoiding tough conversations, or dismissing your own needs in service to the needs of others?
And maybe in either case, it's a combination of several of those things – which can certainly feel like a jumbled up mess in your head. And yep, that's all normal, too.
I think one of the most important shifts toward a healthier relationship is to move away from what might be 'normal' or 'common' or 'acceptable' in the world, and instead, to move toward curiosity:
how does the experience of our relationship feel to both of us, and how would we like for it to feel?
what parts of us feel unsure about how to handle the tough topics that, if addressed/repaired, would actually make us closer?
in what ways do we both make a mess of conflict, and how do we stop?
how well do we repair ruptures in our relationship, both big and small? Or are we generally just winging it and hoping for the best?
I think these are tough questions worth exploring together for the sake of the most important relationship in your lives.
I come across couples every day who are struggling to communicate, not feeling heard, getting stuck in a certain way of fighting that never resolves things, hurting from old wounds that never felt resolved... all that stuff is probably 'normal'.
But do any of us really want what's normal, just because it's common or generally accepted? Or can we admit ... we want to be closer.
We want to feel seen, known, held, cared for, and safe to be ourselves fully.
In other words, we want intimacy.
The beautiful thing is that none of us have to stay exactly the way we learned to love. And that's why you'll sometimes hear folks say they have an 'earned' secure attachment. Most of us start out not really knowing how to cultivate deep, connected, conscious love... but with intention, action, and the right help, we can earn it.
I definitely don't recommend being out here aiming for perfection. That’s not a real thing. But you absolutely can earn (or cultivate – I love that word) a relationship where hard conversations don't feel quite so scary anymore. Where conflict becomes shorter and repair becomes faster. Where you begin assuming your partner is on your side instead of bracing for battle.
You can earn the freedom to be more honest. More playful. More yourselves. And to feel really, really good together most of the time.
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And if this article feels particularly personal, you're always welcome to reach out. Schedule a 30-min clarity call. I'd love to hear about what you're going through and offer some support.
