Your Mind Made That Up

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“Trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection." ~ Stephen Porges

I remember getting into big arguments with past partners and feeling like – how did we even get here? And what are we actually even fighting about?

Usually, the problem is that one person is arguing about one thing, the other is on a whole 'nother page... and no one is talking about what actually happened.

Here's a simple example:

Let's say your partner leaves their coffee cup by the sink. Again.

You've mentioned before that it bothers you. They've said they'll work on it. And yet, there it is. Rage-baiting you. Immediately, your mind starts talking:

"He doesn't appreciate me."

"He doesn't think about anyone but himself."

"He knows this bothers me and clearly doesn't care."

Now pause for a second. Is any of that objectively true? Maybe. Maybe not. But none of that can or should be concluded from bad dish habits. The only fact in the room is that your partner left a cup by the sink again. Everything else is the story your mind made up to explain it. The tricky part is that we rarely notice we've started telling ourselves a story. We just experience the feeling that comes with it.

You're irritated. Maybe hurt. Maybe furious. Or maybe – you're just feeling... alone in THIS (picture me waving my hands around to gesture vaguely at your entire life).

So now, in response to those feelings, you get a little short with your partner.

Maybe you sigh louder than necessary. Maybe you answer in one-word sentences. Maybe you slam a cabinet a little harder than you meant to. And now it's their turn. Their mind starts to make up a story:

"Here we go again."

"Nothing I do is ever good enough."

"She's impossible to please."

"I'm always the bad guy."

Is that story true? Maybe. Maybe not. But can you reach those conclusions from a loud sigh? No. But now they're reacting to their story...while you're reacting to yours.

And before long, you've got two people trying to protect themselves from the feelings that arose from the stories they made up... that may or may or may not be true... and round and round you go.

I see this every single week with couples I coach. And it's not a flaw! Our amazing brains are designed learn from pain and avoid whatever caused it, but that also makes them incredibly good at connecting today's events with yesterday's experiences.

If that keeps you from getting attacked by a saber-toothed tiger? That's perfect.
If it makes you treat your husband/wife as if they are a saber-toothed tiger? Not so much.

So yea, If you grew up feeling overlooked, a coffee cup might not just be a coffee cup. It's you having to carry everything all by yourself forever.

And if you grew up feeling criticized, a frustrated tone might not just be a frustrated tone. It's the dad you loved making you feel small and worthless all over again.

Our nervous systems are constantly trying to answer the question: "What does this mean?"

But instead of having us wander on over to chat with our partners about it, our minds fill in the blanks using old information that often predates our partners.

So what do we do instead?

Imagine saying this:

"Hey babe... this morning I noticed your coffee cup by the sink. My mind immediately wanted to make up that you don't appreciate me or think about me. I got really angry at first, but underneath that... I just felt sad. I felt alone."

Can you feel how different that is? And how much more likely this might get you the care you really need than would deep sighs and eye-rolls?

You aren't accusing your partner of being uncaring. You're just letting them know what the experience is like for you: "Here's the story my mind started telling. Can you care about how that feels for me?"

And if you're on the receiving end of that kind of vulnerability, your job isn't to defend yourself. Or explain. Or even apologize! You have ONE job: It's to care.

Imagine responding like this:

"Aww, my love... what a terrible way to start the day. Come here. I never want you to feel alone. Thank you for telling me."

JUST. CARE.

Because your partner's pain is real, even if you wish her mind didn't jump to those conclusions. That's not about you. So don't make it about you.

JUST. CARE.

Once your partner feels understood, then you can take responsibility for your part:

"I know I told you I'd stop leaving my cup there, and I haven't done a great job with it. I'm going to put myself a reminder by the coffee maker until it becomes a habit."

Now you've got two people solving a problem instead of defending themselves from each other. That's what healthy relationships start to look like. Conflict happens... and our minds make up stories... but instead of punishing each other for them, we reveal ourselves and essentially... ask for help.

Now, we're on the same team.

So. The next time you feel yourself getting all worked up about something your partner says or does, try asking yourself one simple question:

What did my mind just make that mean?

Then ask yourself one more.

Can I share that with my partner without blaming them for it?

Key phrase to use to help keep it from feeling like an attack?

"My mind makes up that ____."

Those two questions have the power to completely change the direction of a conversation. They're also the kind of relational skills that nobody teaches us growing up. And if this feels hard or impossible for you and your partner – I get it! And I'm happy to help.

NOTE: You can own what your mind makes up about things and get curious about it. You don't get to tell other people their minds are making things up. That doesn't go over well!!

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And if this article feels particularly personal, you're always welcome to reach out. Schedule a 30-min clarity call. I'd love to hear about what you're going through and offer some support.