A Simple Practice to Stay on the Same Team When Things Get Hard

“When you begin to see that your enemy is suffering, that is the beginning of insight."
~ Thich Nhat Hanh

There’s a moment that happens in hard conversations that I think most people recognize if they slow down enough to notice it.

You start out wanting to talk something through. You probably go in with the best of intentions. But somewhere along the way, the energy shifts. You stop feeling like two people trying to understand something together and start feeling like two people reacting to each other. And once that shift happens, the conversation is basically off track.

This is the part we don’t talk about enough. Most people focus on what to say, how to say it, how to communicate better. But the state you’re in when you have the conversation matters just as much, if not more.

We live in a culture that does not handle pain very well. We move past it quickly, we minimize it, we try to stay functional and composed. That might work in other areas of life, but in relationships, succumbing to this fear of being together in our vulnerable states creates distance. Connection and intimacy require some willingness to be with what’s actually happening, especially when it’s uncomfortable.

There’s a simple practice from the incredible Thich Nhat Hanh I sometimes give clients before or during a hard conversation. It’s not complicated, but it can shift the entire tone of the interaction.

It's just a matter of saying a few phrases will taking a deep breath:

Breathing in, I know I am suffering.

Breathing out, I know you are suffering too.

I need your help.

If the word suffering feels too heavy, you can change it. Struggling, overwhelmed, unsure, hurt. The exact word doesn’t matter. What matters is the orientation.

The point is to remember that both of you are having a human experience in that moment. Not just you. Not just them. Both of you.

When that gets lost, you fall into the pattern most couples fall into. One person becomes the problem, and the other reacts to that. You end up in some version of victim and villain, even if it’s subtle. And from there, everything gets filtered through that lens.

This practice interrupts that pattern. It doesn’t solve the issue you’re talking about, but it changes the ground you’re standing on while you talk about it.

It softens things just enough to stay engaged. Just enough to listen a little more carefully. Just enough to remember that you actually want to be on the same team, even if you’re not feeling it in the moment.

You will still get triggered. You will still say things you wish you didn’t. You might still need to take a break and come back. None of that disappears.

But there's always an opportunity to come back to our same-as-ness. This practice is one way to come back to each other a little faster, to orient toward connection instead of defense.

If you’re about to have a hard conversation this week, you could try this ahead of time. Maybe together, or it might be saying it to yourself quietly before you start.

And if you want help applying something like this to your actual dynamic, I’m offering some support this week at no cost. You can email me about what’s going on and I’ll send you a voice note back with what I’m hearing and how I’d approach it.

E-mail me (remove the spaces): kim @ relationshipresetcoaching.com

Ready to go deeper?

If you’re tired of feeling stuck in the same patterns and you want real support learning how to reconnect … schedule a no-cost clarity call.