5 Ways We Try to Fix Conflict That Actually Make It Worse

“You can be right, or you can be married." ~ Terry Real

There are a handful of ways people tend to handle conflict in relationships – and it's not because they're bad at relationships.

In fact, almost nothing we do is random or some default personality flaw. We have super smart brains intent on surviving, and at some point in early life, we needed some way to get through hard emotional things that felt really really bad.

We developed strategies for navigating conflict that worked back then (to at least make things feel more manageable), but don't 'work' now for helping us nurture our romantic relationships.

Those of us trained in Relational Life Therapy call them, “Losing Strategies.”

Because they might feel like winners for making us feel protected/defended in the moment... but they actually get us the opposite of what we really want:

To feel safe, close, and connected with the people we love, who love us.

Most people don’t use just one. We move between them. We combine them. We shift depending on how intense the moment feels. See if you recognize yourself in any of these.

5 Losing Strategies

1. Being Right

“I will explain this clearly enough that you’ll finally see I’m right… and then we can move on because that will resolve everything.”

There’s a quiet belief here that if your partner understands your perspective, it will reveal you as the logical 'right' one – and then you'll happily laugh together about how wrong they were and feel fine again.

Think again. Because in close relationships, being right rarely creates closeness.

There's really not much room for one 'objective reality' in relationship. You both experience things differently, and this strategy means you both end up feeling alone in your perspective.

2. Controlling

“I need this to go a certain way for me to feel okay – so I'll do or say what I need to in order to make sure that happens.”

This isn't always overt or aggressive, though it can be… but definitely with an internal tightening.

It can look like pressure. Insistence. Trying to steer the conversation or outcome. But it can also look like making the other person feel bad for you to get them to do what you want.

What lies underneath this urge to control is usually anxiety – because there's this feeling in you that if things don’t go the way you think they should, something will not be okay.

3. Unbridled Self-Expression

“I’m just being honest.”

If you find yourself spewing out allllllll the thoughts and alllllll the feelings and allllllll the opinions you have about ten different things related to your partner and this conflict and all the others, plus some...

without much awareness of the sheer volume you're unloading on your partner, how you're delivering it, how it's landing, or whether your partner can actually take it in...

It might be honest, but it's also a lack of containment and relational skill. It's like making your partner into your barf bag.

This often results in overwhelm, and doesn't get anyone anywhere.

4. Retaliating

“You hurt me, so I’m going to ____ to show you how that feels.”

Whether this is something you do that's subtle, maybe even so small it would be easy to deny...

Or it's just blatant pay-back...

There’s an edge there. A desire to even the score. To make the other person feel the impact.

The problem is, no one ever made their partner more caring or empathetic by hurting them while claiming they deserve it.

It just escalates the cycle of harm.

5. Withdrawal

"I'm done talking about this."

Or even if you don't say it out loud that way, this is about a pulling back. Shutting down. Deciding it’s not worth it to engage.

Withdrawal can be physical, emotional, or energetic... but it is certainly felt.

It can feel like relief in the moment for the withdrawer...

But it often leaves the other person feeling cut off, powerless, and punished. Sometimes, depending on the person, withdrawal can create a sense of panic and feeling abandoned.

Being right and unbridled self-expression used to be my go-to strategies, and I still notice the urge arise every now and then, but I know they don't give me what my partner and I truly want to create together and between us.

Most people can find themselves doing at least one of the five. Often more than one.

And none of this makes you a bad partner!

It makes you someone who learned, somewhere along the way, how to manage conflict in a way that protects you. That’s what all of these have in common.

They’re not designed for connection. They’re designed for self-protection.

And when both people are protecting themselves at the same time… connection doesn’t really have anywhere to exist between you.

So I am not here to villainize that young inner part of you or your partner that so desperately wants to feel safe... I'm here to help the wise, adult parts of you learn how to actually get what you both desire the most: intimacy.

No one eliminates these overnight. Just see if you can notice them. Catch yourself the moment you reach for one. Get curious about what you’re actually protecting yourself from in that moment and what you're really needing right then.

There's something about seeing your own protective strategies clearly… that empowers you to get out of autopilot and start realizing you have a choice.

And if you'd like some help choosing something different, I'm doing this fun thing lately where I'm responding to three messages every week from all of you about what's going on with you, and sending a voice note back from me with a little perspective and support. (I love it, it's free, and it's fun!)

So yea, just email me about what’s going on with you in your relationship or dating life, and I’ll send you a voice note back with what I’m hearing and what I’d do. Email: kim @ relationshipresetcoaching.com (without the spaces).

Ready to go deeper?

If you’re tired of feeling stuck in the same patterns and you want real support learning how to reconnect … schedule a no-cost clarity call.